What Others Don’t See

 Being a One is so much more than irritation over uneven picture frames, frustration that others aren’t doing it the way it should be done or having high standards. 

What others don’t see, can’t possibly know, is the felt experience of the relentless inner critic.

Listen to the full episode HERE.

Transcript:

Welcome every One, you are listening to The Enneagram One Project Podcast, Ep 23 - What Others Don’t See

I have a tender message to deliver on today’s episode. 

I feel this one in my gut and so I know it must be said and it kept coming up this last week in my client sessions so here we go.

Intellectually speaking, we as Enneagram type Ones, know that being human is perfectly fine. Being human is all we can be since, as far as I know, no one has been born with superpowers.

Being a One is so much more than irritation over uneven picture frames, frustration that others aren’t doing it the way it should be done or having high standards. 

What others don’t see, can’t possibly know, is the felt experience of the relentless inner critic.

I’ve talked about the inner critic before so if you want more than what I’m offering in today’s episode, you can go back, I will include the link in the show notes. HERE

The good news is that with some work and intention, we can lower the volume of the inner critic some when it says, you are not being the best version of yourself, in fact, you are a disgrace.

Let me describe to you the felt sensation of the inner critic. That moment before I decide what I want to do with what it says. And yes, I’m aware that much of this chatter can happen subconsciously so maybe my description will help you to identify it for you when it’s happening in the background.

So here goes. When I notice the tightening of my chest, this hard black ball in my chest seems to drop suddenly and sink deeper within my body. It becomes energetically heavy because this ball seems to drop into my heart of hearts that place where I truly reside. When this happens in front of others, though I know they’re not aware of what’s going on inside, I’ll recoil. No one should ever witness this part of me. It’s not that it’s weak, it’s that it shouldn’t be there. The recoiling might look different, sometimes it’s an actual retreat but sometimes, it’s more like a recoiling of my best self and instead I let out only the part of me that’s defensive because it seems to protect me.

The inner critic brings with it not just the words and the beat down but also a shame. This shame is felt in my gut. This shame is visceral. This shame is not brought on by words that I can pinpoint, and yet this week it came up for my clients.

It is the shame of being human.

We will never be more than human in this lifetime and yet we carry the belief that we should be more.

We are here to live a human experience and yet it is that very being, being a human, with all of the shortcomings, that brings up such a shame in our bodies.

It may make you feel unsafe in your own body because that inner critic, it’s in your head, how can you be safe with it there?

The experience is painful.

Yes, with all of the tools, the mindset tools, the embodiment tools, the enneagram, I still experience this. It is part of MY human experience.

My human experience includes having developed tremendous self control that I’m learning to let go of with a pit stop to shaming myself for how I once was and not being better still.

My human experience includes having tried to mold myself into the good student, the good worker, the good partner, the good parent, the good daughter with a sprinkle of shaming myself for never and I mean never meeting the bar I’d constantly move.

My human experience includes having belittled myself over and over for not living up to what I thought my life should look like now that I have a million tools and shaming myself for not being more evolved.

I no longer spend most of my time in the shame anymore, I have lovingly guided myself towards more acceptance and true freedom to get to know be me and to be me.

How I’ve learned to live with it is by remembering that my body does not only house the inner critic, it also has my SELF, my soul, consciousness, that part of me that is more than the body, more than the brain, the infinite that resides within. It’s how I describe what many of the teachers of the Enneagram system refer to as presence.

When I remember that this part of myself exists within as well, I am able to create a safe place in my body again. I know that when I go within, I go deeper than the body, deeper than the mind, I touch that part that is good, that is pure. This is the part of myself that I consider to be my true internal compass.

I can’t pretend to know your experience but I do hope that sharing mine with you today will help you to be willing to see, what else is within you that can support you when you need it most? 

From that place, you can have access to the beauty of being human, the beauty of what is natural, the beauty of this moment.

We want to move our focus to a deeper truth than what the inner critic would ever be able to comprehend.

So to recap, what worked for me was to first understand what was going on with the brain, then my brain specifically and start removing some of the beliefs that were enforcing the inner critic.

Once I was able to understand the mental body activity, I then noticed that I was still spinning so the next step for me was to calm the spinning, that’s when I found embodiment. 

I very gradually learned to be in my body again, connect to the felt experience of being human and inhabiting the body.

The more I lived the felt experience of being with myself, the more I became present and in that presence, I can sense a deeper truth. For me, that truth is beyond language and beyond emotion, it is a sense. That is the part of me that is safe even for me, even when the inner critic still exists in my head.

I recognize that my experience is not yours and yours is not mine. What I propose to you in this episode may not be available to you at this time, maybe because of trauma or your relationship with your body. Should that be the case, know that there are resources that I can direct you towards to better support your journey.

If you hear the whisper or nudge that you are ready to explore the possibility that there’s more available to you, that you can find a serenity within and open to more joy in your life, I’d be honored to be your guide and coach. 

Until next time, love to each and every One!