Why You Don’t Allow Your Feelings

Understanding what feelings are and where they come is empowering. Add to that finally figuring out why you don’t allow your feelings is integral to making your Oneness your superpower. 

Feelings are felt in the body and that’s why I like to start the exploration here. 

When you think of the last time you felt joy, how did you know you were feeling joy? There was a felt sensation inside of your body maybe it was butterfly like or a warm glow or general expansion of your heart space.

That said, it is something you feel on and experience individually. It’s not possible to put the love you feel inside the body of someone else and what you categorize as the felt senses of love may not be what your loved one experiences as the felt senses of love.

Feelings can be created is by the mind. That happens when you make a situation or event mean something and then the brain sends signals via the nervous system in your body that you then interpret as the feeling of this or that. 

For example, I taste the meal I just made and I notice that it’s over salted for my personal preference. So the stimulus is the ratio of salt in the meal, I could make it so many different thing from I still can’t make a decent meal which would create the feeling of disappointed or I could make the ratio of salt mean that the recipe I followed is horrible which would create the feeling of annoyed. The thought or the interpretation sends signals that create the felt sense that I categorize as disappointment or annoyance.

The brain could create the feeling and then we could just let it be but what actually happens is that the feelings drive everything we do and don’t do.

The basic cognitive model shows us that when you feel pressure, created by a thought, you will then approach that thing from this fuel of pressure.

Say you find out that the daycare you want to send your child to expects your child to be fully potty trained before you can get a spot for them and your toddler is not yet potty trained. You might make this information mean that you have to get this done in the next few days, creating the felt experience of pressure.

As the parent, you feel pressured which makes you act a certain way AND it’s also the reason why you want to get to that new outcome of a potty trained child because of how you think you’ll feel once that’s done. 

The reason why we don’t allow our feelings is that we have stories about feelings and those also influence how you will deal with or express that feeling. 

Once your brain notices or assesses the internal felt senses of a particular feeling, it also brings up the baggage and story you have about that feeling.

Say you feel embarrassed

Each of us has a different relationship and story with the feeling of embarrassed.

Take a second here and think about what you make it mean when you notice the emotion of embarrassed in your body. For me, there’s a tightening that happens in my chest, a recoiling of sorts, usually a quickening of my heartbeat. 

But that’s not all that’s happening, the mental body is also engaged.

If you have the story that you can’t do it, that it’s unbearable or that people should not feel this emotion and so on you are less likely to be able to process the emotion no matter how much you want to and keep trying.

Now, I’d like to offer you some prompts so that you can have the information you need to move towards allowing emotions IF that’s what you want to do.

1. Identify what are feelings I experience that I easily allow.

2. Identify a few feelings that you find difficult to express or allow.

Now move towards identifying the story you have about the feelings themselves. You can do this for the feelings you allow easily or those you find challenging as both will provide useful information and you could even make comparisons and so on.

1. What do I make it mean about myself that I am experiencing this feeling?

2. What do I think of others who express this feeling outwardly?

3. What were you told about these feelings?

Whatever you find, is not a problem, it’s information. From here you can decide if you’re ok with that story, if there’s anything you want to question or simply decide differently about. It’s all up to you.

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Transcript

Welcome every One, you are listening to The Enneagram One Project Podcast, episode Ep 7 - Why You Don’t Allow Your Feelings

Last week we talked about urges which is a feeling and it got me thinking that a crash course on feelings would be gold right about now and what would be even better would be to talk about the one thing that is in your way of allowing your feelings.

We’re talking about feelings today because until we understand them, what they are and where they come from, they can have such a strong hold over our lives. This is definitely one of those things where knowledge is power or as I prefer to say it, knowledge is empowering. Once you know, then you can figure out what’s in the way of you allowing them. At the end of the episode today, you will have a much better idea of how you want to approach whatever feeling your are experiencing and know what you want your next step to be.

What are feelings

Let’s start at the beginning, what are feelings? There are 2 perspectives I lean on when I think of feelings. 

The first is feelings from the perspective of the body. Feelings are felt in the body and that’s why I like to start the exploration here. When you think of the last time you felt joy, how did you know you were feeling joy? There was a felt sensation inside of your body maybe it was butterfly like or a warm glow or general expansion of your heart space. There is no right or wrong way to experience joy, these are only examples.

So there’s a collection of felt senses that you can perceive taking place inside of your body that you categorize as being the feeling of joy. You have a collection of felt senses that you categorize as delight, as frustration, as excited, and so on. When we say I feel joy, we’re really saying, I am noticing all of those internal senses that I equate as the expression of joy in my body. Some people call these vibrations, I personally like the idea of felt sense because sometimes it’s an internal sensation like those butterflies and sometimes it’s a mix of external and internal sensations like sweaty palms.

That said, it is something you feel on and experience individually. It’s not possible to put the love you feel inside the body of someone else and what you categorize as the felt senses of love may not be what your loved one experiences as the felt senses of love.

I also lean on the mechanics of the brain and mindset to understand where feelings come from. One of the ways feelings can be created is by the mind. That happens when you make a situation or event mean something and then the brain sends signals via the nervous system in your body that you then interpret as the feeling of this or that. To note here is that the these thoughts or meanings that are attributed to the events or stimuli may or may not be conscious and feelings are private, felt by the person experiencing them only. For example, I taste the meal I just made and I notice that it’s over salted for my personal preference. So the stimulus is the ratio of salt in the meal, I could make it so many different thing from I still can’t make a decent meal which would create the feeling of disappointed or I could make the ratio of salt mean that the recipe I followed is horrible which would create the feeling of annoyed. Can you see that the thought or the interpretation sends signals that create the felt sense that I categorize as disappointment or annoyance in this case?

Another important note is that feeling is from the brain and then felt in the body unlike sensations that would happen in or on the body first and then the signal would be sent up to the brain. An example of this would be touching something that’s cold or hot, the body will send the this is cold or hot signal up to the brain.

Feelings drive everything we do and don’t do

So why do feelings matter so much? The brain could create the feeling and then we could just let it be but what actually happens is that the feelings drive everything we do and don’t do. They are created by the interpretation of the mind to stimuli and then these feelings are what fuels us to do or not do the things we do. It does so on 2 levels that we’ll talk about now.

The basic cognitive model shows us that when you feel pressure, created by a thought remember - maybe I need to get this done now - you will then approach that thing from this fuel. This is highly individual but let’s consider what that could mean for an Enneagram type One. 

Say you find out that the daycare you want to send your child to expects your child to be fully potty trained before you can get a spot for them and your toddler is not yet potty trained. You might make this information mean that you have to get this done in the next few days. Can you see how that would create that feeling of pressure? 

Well from this pressure, I want you to think about how you’re likely to approach helping your child to use the toilet. My guess is that you’d be more forceful with your child, that you’d employ methods that aren’t fully in line with your parenting style, that you wouldn’t follow your child’s lead so much as push your agenda. And listen, none of this is a bad thing, it’s just for you to consider. Because on the flip side, if you made that initial bit of information mean, oh great - plenty of time, that thought would create ease and from ease, you’d be much more likely to follow your child’s lead, stick to your parenting philosophy, etc. pressure is fueling what you do and what you don’t do. The feeling is the driver.

The other side of this example is just as important. As the parent, you feel pressured which makes you act a certain way AND it’s also the reason why you want to get to that new outcome of a potty trained child because of how you think you’ll feel once that’s done. Yes, there’s a part of you that’s doing it for the child’s sake but there’s a big part of you that’s taking all this action to get the kid potty trained because you think you’ll feel relieved once that’s done. So feelings are the fuel and the reason we do what we do or don’t do.

Why we don’t allow our emotions

That’s the first level, the second level that’s crucial to understand is the reason why we don’t allow our feelings. We have stories about feelings and those also influence how you will deal with or express that feeling. 

If you think of feelings, there are some we have great stories about and some we have not so great stories about. I’ll share some examples here but again, this will differ for each person, even each One.

Once your brain notices or assesses the internal felt senses of a particular feeling, it also brings up the baggage and story you have about that feeling.

Let’s think of a few feelings we find hard to express or simply allow in the body.

For me that’s probably anger, resentment and pride. The reason why these feelings are more difficult to allow is because of the story I hold in my mind and in my body about the feeling itself. 

The difference between an easy to feel emotion and a more challenging one is what we believe about that emotion and any judgement we have of it. This of course means that what is easy for one person may not be for someone else and that’s ok.

Say you feel embarrassed

Each of us has a different relationship and story with the feeling of embarrassed.

Take a second here and think about what you make it mean when you notice the emotion of embarrassed in your body. For me, there’s a tightening that happens in my chest, a recoiling of sorts, usually a quickening of my heartbeat. 

But that’s not all that’s happening, the mental body is also engaged.

I can take a pretty good guess that for some they make it mean oh yeah, it’s no big deal, it’s just an emotion and yet for others they could make it mean this is unbearable, I can’t do this, or this makes me weak.

The one with the story that they can’t do it, that it’s unbearable or that people should not feel this emotion and so on is less likely to be able to process the emotion no matter how much they want to and keep trying.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again. There’s nothing to fear with our feelings and the body knows how to allow them, process them, it’s the brain that gets in the way. This here, that story, is how the brain gets in the way. That’s why, especially as type Ones, we want to get out of the head space and let the body do its thing when we’re overtaken by an emotion. Overtaken is really another way of saying looping, cycling, spinning.

If you don’t know how to allow an emotion, I mean really allow it without acting from it, resisting it or avoiding it, it’s absolutely normal because most of us are not taught how to do this. So have some compassion for yourself. 

Little parentheses here, most of us really don’t mind if we act out “positive” emotions or feelings that are acceptable in society, it’s the other feelings. The thing is, you experience those other emotions too, no matter how hard you may try not to.

Now, I’d like to offer you some prompts so that you can have the information you need to move towards allowing emotions IF that’s what you want to do.

1. Identify what are feelings I experience that I easily allow.

2. Identify a few feelings that you find difficult to express or allow.

Now move towards identifying the story you have about the feelings themselves. You can do this for the feelings you allow easily or those you find challenging as both will provide useful information and you could even make comparisons and so on.

1. What do I make it mean about myself that I am experiencing this feeling?

2. What do I think of others who express this feeling outwardly?

3. What were you told about these feelings?

Whatever you find, is not a problem, it’s information. From here you can decide if you’re ok with that story, if there’s anything you want to question or simply decide differently about. It’s all up to you.

I want to help you get passed those stories because once you know that you can feel any emotion and be ok, there’s a shift that happens and I want that for you. It’s a deeper trust and intimacy with yourself and that brings you into your power.

To that end, I’ve got a few things in the works for you dear Enneagram One and I so hope that you’ll take me up on them.

If you want a first look at the topic from the perspective of last week’s podcast, episode 6, The Urge to Improve Is Real then I want to remind you of the workshop coming up this Thursday, Feb 17. If you’re listening to this podcast when it comes out then you still have time to sign up, attend live, get the workbook, replay and all of it.

Now don’t worry if you are listening to this episode after the workshop because I’ve got something else for you and you won’t have to wait long for this.

Feb 28th 2022 is the day that I am opening the doors to the new Facebook group for The Enneagram One Project. It’s going to be the place to discuss any of the episode topics, get extra trainings and even coaching from me. And I am kicking the doors wide open with a 4-day event with amazing giveaways you won’t want to miss. The 4-day event is all about how to feel your feelings, how to allow them and process them using your body. 

You’ll want to get on my email list to get the notification as soon as the doors open so you don’t miss the beginning of the 4-day event. Like all good events it will end with a giveaway, 4 free one on one private coaching sessions with me for one lucky participant. Full details on how to be eligible will be sent via email and of course in the Facebook group itself.

To sign up for the upcoming workshop of the newsletter to be on my email list, simply go to dominiquevandal.com/links.

Can’t wait to see you at the workshop and in the Facebook group. Love to each and every One.

Thank you so much for listening to The Enneagram One Project podcast, your go-to podcast for all things One.

If you’re wanting to integrate what you’re learning here and be supported by your very own personal Enneagram One life coach then I invite you to head over to my website dominiquevandal.com look at the top of the page for the work with me tab. Let’s make your Oneness your greatest gift! Can’t wait to meet you!